Demise of the Planet of the Apes / The Celebrity Ape-rentice (Transcript)
MAD News Anchor: 'We interrupt this program with some breaking news! Monkeys are taking over the MAD Offices! are taking over the Animation Studio. MAD News Anchor dressed like an ape Looks like this'll be one, crazy Ape-isode! And that's what you get when you have Monkey Writers. Also, they make dressed up like one. We now return you to MAD, Already in... Degrading with other species. [The opening sarts with the monkey sounds. Demise of the Planet of the Apes starts with a shot of Dr. Rodman's house, whilst hearing messed-up piano music in background) *(Father pounds the piano) *'Will Rodman: Dad, look what I brought home from work. (cuts to Dr. Rodman) It's a super-intelligent ape. He can sign, do puzzles, he can do pretty much anything. (Caesar busts out of the box) Except breathe in a box without holes. Gah! I knew there was something I forgot to do! Hey, Caesar. Welcome to your new home. This is my father... *(STAB! STAB!) *'Father': Ah, use a fork! *'Will Rodman': ...my neighbor... *(BAM! BAM! BAM!) *'Neighbor': Stay out of my yard! *(BAM!) *'Will Rodman': ...and my girlfriend. *(whistle, then cuts to Caesar with love in his eyes, his good conscious bangs him on the head with a mallet) *'Will Rodman': So what do you think? Wanna stay? *'Caesar': NOOOOOOOOOO!! *'Will Rodman': Okay, maybe there's a hotel nearby. *(Title Card: Rise of the Planet of the Apes) *(Scene lands out of the title) *(Title Card: Demise of the Planet of the Apes) *(cuts to the Super Ape Hotel) *'Will Rodman': Are you sure he'll be happy here? He's a talking ape, you know. *'Guard': Trust me, he ain't the first! *'Dora': (teary-eyed) I'll miss you, Boots. *'Boots': Ugh! Maybe now my ears will stop bleeding. *'Sheen Estevez': Goodbye, Mr. Monkey! (hugs Nesmith) *'Mr. Nesmith': It took me 48 years to get back to Earth and you stick me here? *'Chris Griffin': So long, Evil Monkey. You'll have more room here than in my clos- *(Evil Monkey points at Chris angrily) *'Chris': Okay, I'm going. *'Guard': Probably best if you all left. (slams door) So that the apes can be tended to by my creepy, socially awkward son! *(Kevin James steps out of the shadow) *'All Monkeys and Apes': Kevin James?! *'Kevin James': I got such good romance advice from the talking animals in Zookeeper. I thought you guys could give me good career advice. *'Caesar': What's in it for us? *'Kevin James': Hmmm, a banana? *(Caesar slaps banana) *'Caesar': How about you teach us how to take over the planet instead? *'Kevin James': Can I keep the banana? *'Caesar': Sure. *'Kevin James': Yes! Then you're on! Okay! Step One: Team up with the most powerful ape in the world. *(Scene goes to Caesar and Grape Ape) *'Grape Ape': Grape Ape! *(Caesar and Grape Ape high-five) *'Caesar': Done! You: Team up with the most powerful ape in Hollywood. *(Scene goes to Kevin James and Adam Sandler) *'Kevin James': Done! *'Adam Sandler': Hey! *(Kevin James throws banana and Adam Sandler goes and gets it like an ape) *'Kevin James': Step Two: Never forget, throwing your own poop is never a good idea. *(Scene goes to two apes holding diapers while Boots has his own) *'Two Apes': Ohhhhh.... *'Boots': Done! You: Never forget, slapping Ben Stiller is always funny! *'Ben Stiller': No it's not. *'Kevin James': (Slaps Ben Stiller) Hey, hey! It is! *'Ben Stiller': No it's not. (SLAP!) No it's- (SLAP!) No- (SLAP!) No- (SLAP) No- (SLAP!) Okay, maybe it is. (SLAP!) *'Kevin James': Done! Step Three: Humans are stupid; distract them with dopey humor by taking over a television network while secretly sending a message to all the apes on the planet. *'Bernie': Ha! That's funny. *'Mr. Nesmith': Done! You! Step Three, and this is the important one. *'All Monkeys and Apes': Don't do Zookeeper 2! *'Kevin James': (clicks pen) No Zookeeper 2. Got it! Wait! That's it, follow these three things and I can win an Oscar. *'Caesar': Yep! And if we follow your guidelines, we can take over the planet. *'Kevin James': Yep! It's a win-win situation. *(IN THE FUTURE...) *(Adam and Kevin are standing in front of the Statue of Liberty) *'Adam Sandler': What did you do? *'Kevin James': I'll tell you what I did, made it easier to get to the top of the Statue of Liberty. (Kevin James climbs up what is left of the statue) Who-hoo! I won an Oscar, baby! (CRUSH! The Animated mariginals starts when Alfred E. Neumann takes off the monkey mask and then the monkey takes off the Alfred Mask. Monkey Wheel of Fortune starts] *Narrator: And now, back to Monkey Wheel of Fortune! *Monkey 1: I'd like to solve the puzzle! *Host: All right. *Monkey 1: "BAHAMAS"! *Host: Ooh! I'm sorry. It's "BANANAS". *Monkey 1: Bananas? Oh, mother of pearl! *by the logo *Robot: Mad! *by Ape Sheriff *'Announcer': What happens when a small town Mayor accidentally appoints an ape as Sheriff? *'Mayor': I meant to write Bob, but I accidentally wrote Bobo! *'Announcer': You get APE SHERIFF, the hilarious new sitcom about a town that learn to live with a truesteaks. *'Mayor': I deputize thee as Sheriff! Here's your badge, your hat, and here's your gun! *'Director': Wait, don't give him a gun! He's a monkey for crying out loud, cut, cut, get down, everybody get down. *'Announcer': APE SHERIFF!... has been cancelled. *into Monkey Wheel of Fortune. *Narrator: And now, back to Monkey Wheel of Fortune! *Monkey 2: Oh, great. I got this one! "DONKEY SEE DONKEY DO". *Host: Wow! I really thought you had this one. *Monkey 2: Are you sure? Because I said "DONKEY SEE"… *Host: Yeah, it's wrong! Trust me. *by the logo and swirl it out to Adhesive Ape. *Announcer: "Tired of that Scotch tape that's not strong enough?" *(Poster falls off on boy) *"Then you need (blue ape bursts into the room and Adhesive Ape logo appears) Adhesvise Ape!" *Boy: "Is there a gorilla in here?" *(Gorilla hangs poster) *"Wow, that's great, but I (pulls out more posters) have more than one" *(Gorilla growls) *Announcer: "Don't worry, (goes to different scene) because not only does Adhesive Ape come in an array of colors (tall and orange monkey enters the room) and sizes, it's also the only fastener protected under the endangered species act, so your posters aren't going anywhere" *(goes to different scene with woman) *"Plus, Adhesive Ape is durable enough to work on big jobs" *Woman: " A little to the left" *(scene goes to brown ape, and then goes to a lady looking at the refridgeirator) *"And not so big, but the best part about Adhesive Ape is that apes love it" *(scene goes to building) *"Just ask the people who came up with the idea" *(scene goes to male scientist and female scientist) *Male scientist: "Yeah, they uuhhh . . . actually, we never thought to ask them" *(scene goes to apes holding charts and graphs) *Male scientist: "Oh, boy!" *(scene goes back to scientists) *Female scientist: "Oh, that's ok, this thing hasn't caught on yet, has it?" *(Scene backs out to apes holding signs around city) *"OK, I see where this is going" *(Adhesive Ape logo pops up and back ground turns blue) *Announcer: "Adhesive Ape!" *(pink ape shows up and holds a "NEW IMPROVED" sign) *"Creating a very sticky stituation" *Narrator: It's Celebrities Without their Ape-up! Dr. Zaius could use some Rogaine without his Ape-up! Curious George looks Half Ape, Half Herman without his face fuzz! And King Kong is less beauty and more beast without his ape-off! And that's Celebrities Without their Ape-up! *vs Spy Letters pops 16 times in the jingle. The monkey dances when White Spy has a music box to play with. The Black Spy puts mini bombs in the cup. Now, the monkey puts the mini bombs into White Spy's music box. He aimed for the target of the black spy then the White Spy fires at Black Spy. The monkey is holding a peace sign of his hands and laughs *second Animated mariginals start when the monkey stops hearing, the other monkey stops looking, then the 3rd monkey passes gas. The monkey groans "Ew." Ape Sheriff starts *Announcer: What happens when an ape accidentally gets hold of a gun on a TV show? *Director: Basically, we didn't think this through and now the ape won't put down the gun. *Announcer: You get APE SHERIFF, the new reality series about a casting crew held hostage by a gun-toting ape! *Director: And of course some genius gave him a credit card so now he has unlimited amunition as well. *(Scene goes to Bobo throwing amunition at the people) *Actor/Mayor/Idiot: He had a gun! what was I suppose to do? *Lois: I think I can make it to the phone. *Actor/Mayor/Idiot: Lois, don't be a fool, he can smell you. *Lois: No, I think I can make it. *(Lois runs to the phone while getting shooted from behind) *Actor/Mayor/Idiot: Come back, don't do it! I think we need to rethink this! (mayor screaming a little.) *Announcer: APE SHERIFF, life immating art, immating a monkey. *Women: Uhh, these laws are so arbitrary. *Voices: Mad, mad, mad, mad! the alfred face into Monkey Wheel of Fortune. *Narrator: And now, back to Monkey Wheel of Fortune! *Monkey 3: I would like to solve the puzzle. *Host: Oh yeah, I'm sure you would! Knock yourself out. *Monkey 3: "PHILLIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN"? *(The monkeys act crazy.) *Host: I quit! *Celebrity Ape-rentice starts *'Steven Jacobs': There's a lot of money writing on this, Robert. You tell me these apes are getting smarter, but how can we be sure? *'Robert Franklin': Well, we start by testing them with puzzles, then with coordination, then of course on Monkey Monkey Revolution. (Scene goes to Mojo Jojo doing Monkey Monkey Revolution with music from Donkey Strong.) *'Steven Jacobs': And that's enough? *'Robert Franklin': No, But if they pass all three, then we send them to this guy. *(Title Card: The Celebrity Ape-rentice) *(Scene goes to Donald Chimp's office with Caesar, Donkey Kong, and Mojo Jojo sitting at his table with him) *'Donald Chimp': All right, listen up. Caesar, Donkey Kong, Mojo Jojo, you're all well-known apes but only of you is smart enough to help me take over the planet. So we'll start by making each of you a team captain. Let's take this outside. (Scene cuts to a construction site) We're standing here on the future site of my next Chimp Tower. Now after the ape revolution, there's gonna be a lot of jobs to fill. Some glamorous, some not-so glamorous. What I need is a good project manager, who's good at lifting barrels, (Donkey Kong stands high up and smiles) rolling barrels, (Donkey Kong laughs a little) and getting things under budget. That's why I'm giving this task... to Caesar. (Donkey Kong get disappointed and Caesar happily agrees with it) *(Scene cuts to a fireplace mantels with Donkey Kong talking to the viewer) *'Donkey Kong': What? Oh, come on! I would kill at this task! It's what I do! I- Aw man, I hate things like this! *(Scene cuts back to a construction site) *'Donkey Kong': Hey Caesar, (Camera rolls on to Caesar onscreen relaxing) think there's any room on Team Caesar for a big guy like me? *'Caesar': (takes of his sunglasses and starts getting angrily annoyed to reply) NOOOOOOOOOO!! '(Camera rolls to Donkey Kong getting depressed, then cut back to the fireplace mantels) In hind sight, yes. I think I overreacted but hey I'm new to this speaking thing. *(Scene cuts back to Donald Chimp's office) *'Donald Chimp: Mojo Jojo, the new world's gonna need a lot of things, leaders, cops, a system of government. *'Mojo Jojo': Yes, bencher. Me, Mojo Jojo, know exactly what you've done a chimp for setting out to do in this lobe and eventual takeover of the planet from all the humans, not to mention three annoying superhuman female children. And I, Mojo Jojo, would like superior interacting, and a selection of war will be the perfect choice of apes to build the state of capitals and planet and whatever capacity you've done with chimpsy fit to be still on this perfect primate for being president, king or C.E.O. *'Donald Chimp': I want your team to make pizzas. *(Scene cuts back to the fireplace mantels) *'Mojo Jojo': I am scratching my brain, not for ideas, but to make sure I've heard that imbecile clearly. *(Scene cuts back to the fireplace mantels with Donkey Kong holding Mario's pizza recipe) *'Donkey Kong': The perfect pizza recipe, given to me, albeit by force, by the Mario Brothers. (rips the recipe in half) Complete waste! Why was that not my task? It's like I kidnapped a princess in the past life or something! Oh, wait... *(Scene cuts back to Donald Chimp's office) *'Donald Chimp': Donkey Kong... *'Donkey Kong': Yes, Mr. Chimp? *'Donald Chimp': I need you to open and operate a successful school for swimming lessons. *'Donkey Kong': (turns back) You know apes can't swim, right? *'Donald Chimp': What did you say? Did I hear you right? 'Cause I got news for you. The planet of the apes, isn't gonna be all scientists and soldiers you know, there are gonna be a lot of humans to replace. We're gonna need delivery apes, the Seuss apes, apes that work in stores to sell only Irish things, and each challenges are tell me who's up to the task. I'm sorry, Donkey Kong. *'Donkey Kong': Awww! Don't do it! *'Donald Chimp': I have no choice... *'Donkey Kong': Mr. Chimp. *'Donald Chimp': But to say.... *'Donkey Kong': We could work this out. *'Donald Chimp': (thinks to himself) You're fired. *'Donkey Kong': OHHHH! That does it! (picks up his cell phone) I'm calling my brother! *(King Kong breaks through the wall) *'Donald Chimp': King Kong! (King Kong grabs him) Take your paws off me you very large, but otherwise reasonable ape. *(King Kong takes him up the building and some airplanes follow through him) *'Donald Chimp': (his hair gets blown by the wind) My hair! You broke my hair! *(King Kong looks at the airplane which destroys him, he then falls off while Donald screams and they crash towards the ground, Caesar, Donkey Kong, and Mojo Jojo look at them) *'Donkey Kong': Looks like the planes got him. *'Caesar': No, it wasn't the planes, it was beauty that killed the beast. *'Mojo Jojo': (looking at Donald's death) No! It was the planes! Definitely the planes. *the logo *Voices: MAD!!! *logo to end credits *pops out and sweeps into Ape Sheriff until Bobo ate a donut and shoots the man. *END Category:Transcripts